Being a negative person

21 Jul

If I can make a recap of my 21 years of life, I can say that there was a lot of good moments but a lot of bad moments. People who don’t know me  say that I’m a social person and I smile a lot. I have to say that inside of my body, I have been screaming since I was 12. Almost 10 years ago.

First day that I was born, shit happened, physical hemiplegia which mean, physical therapy, surgery and more. Worst of it, the kids would always make fun of me. I was always the last to be pick in a team during the gym class. I remember that in elementary and high school, I would ask the teacher for the bathroom or water. I would go away from the class, cry a little bit, put water in my face and come back. They were just kids, but today I still hate sports. Boys can be really mean and going away because of my disability.

Then when I was 12 years old, I started my high school in a brand new city, it would be 4 years of hell. Kids would make fun of me for no reason, throwing stuff at me, taking my stuff and ruin it. Making fun that I would wear boots instead of shoes during the winter. I had 1 real friend.  Then when I was 14 years old, my dad left us. That’s where shit really happened for me. He started to scream at me for no reason, making me cry if I didn’t talk to his girlfriend on the phone, getting mad if I disagree with him. I was scare of my dad, today he still does scream, but we barely have a relationship and we don’t have a lot of discussion.

When I think about my teenage years, the only thing that I regret is that maybe I could have more friends, that’s it.

My college years weren’t easy and still today I’m struggling while looking for a job. During theses last 10 years, I went to bed a lot of time hoping that I wouldn’t wake up the next morning. I wasn’t afraid of death at all.  Since last year, I go to bed always saying to myself  that tomorrow will be better and no longer I wish to not wake up. The reason is that I was getting so close to my dream of being a college graduate, and then I could get my dream job, money, everything that I wanted. Everytime that I wanted to drop out, I told myself that I would have a nice job that I like.

Then 3 months ago, college was finally over for me and I started to look for a job. I have to say I cried a lot because It’s not easy I as thought and It make me kinda depress. I worked so hard and being a post-grad is not a fairytale. Last week, 2 things might have save my future and save my life. First I was checking the Oprah website and I found a story about a guy who had it all : beauty, college, friends, and doing all kind of sports. He got in a horrible car accident who left him on a wheelchair and his mom have to take care of him, he is 28 years old. But still, he wakes up everyday and give motivational speech with his mom and she even wrote a book. Instead of waiting to died, he did choose to have a second life.  Then I read this post ”Confession of a Pessimist”, which really did open my mind.  This really got me ;

Am I happy the way I’m living? If I’m not happy, do I want to be? If so, then what needs to change? Am I choosing to stay in this cycle of depression because I feel it is a way of punishing myself for my wrong choices. […] I had to make a conscious decision in that moment to change my way of thinking and to begin again. And the most important thing I had to do in order for that to happen was to make peace with myself, my mistakes and with others. I had to change the way I viewed the past decade of my life and start looking at all it had taught me – not what I had done wrong.”

I cried when I read it because it made me think about all the bad stuff that happened and the negativity in my life. But I have to start move on or I never will. I have to forget about the kids making fun of me. If some people don’t want to talk to me, it’s their lost. I have to be smart and have discussion with my dad who will make both of us happy. I have to forgive all the mistakes that I did, all the time that I acted desperate for a boy or when I said something stupid or mean. I have to use the last 10 years to learn something and grow. Maybe I won’t have a job in the next weeks and I will have to get a loan and use my credit cards. But even if I cry, I make a lot of efforts and there is nothing that I can do about it. I will just appreciate more my job and the money. I did begin my new journey on July 20 because I love this number. I woke up being happy to breathe, to have the ac, a computer with internet so I can check the jobs, a mom and a dog.

Sure It will be hard to begin again, since you can’t become self-confident in one day, but I think that this time It will be for good. 10 years is enough. Yes I will be mad or be sad, but tomorrow will be another day and I’m fortunate for the good things that I have in my life, even if some of them aren’t good.

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