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2011 ou l’année que je suis devenue une adulte

28 Dec

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Théoriquement, nous devenons des adultes à 18 ans, dans mon cas, je suis devenue une adulte à 22 ans. Lorsque j’étais au secondaire et que je vivais les pires années de ma vie. Je me suis mise à rêver. Je me disais qu’un jour, j’allais avoir beaucoup d’amis, j’allais probablement me marier avant 25 ans, avoir un chien, faire le tour de l’Europe, avoir un super travail et être une leader de premier niveau. Je ne crois pas que personne peut me blâmer de rêver. Oui j’étais au secondaire et je pensais déjà à tout cela, ceci est un des critères qui fait que j’ai toujours été différente des autres. Élever dans un monde de gens plus âgés, j’ai du acquérir de la maturité assez rapidement. Aller au restaurant pendant 3 heures à 7 ans, rester dans une soirée uniquement composés d’adultes à 9 ans, être connaisseuse de fromages fins à 10 ans. C’est moi ça. Parcours peu commun, je suis reconnaissante d’avoir eu autant de chance et de connaître autant de choses. Mais j’ai toujours été un peu en avance sur les autres de mon âge, ce qui n’est pas tout à mon avantage, du moins ce que je constate maintenant.

 

Cette année, j’ai terminé mes études universitaires, la tête remplit de rêves. C’était, il y a 8 mois, en avril. Si je fais un bilan de mes études universitaires, j’ai toujours été stressé, je voulais obtenir ce diplôme à 21 ans. La semaine, le transport grugeait tout mon temps, donc j’arrivais chez moi, je soupais et je me préparais à dormir, avec 1h de télévision ou d’ordinateur, si j’étais chanceuse. La fin de semaine, c’étais les travaux et l’étude. Mon temps était toujours occupé, ça me dérangeais pas de ne pas avoir de vie sociale ou de vie amoureuse. Mes amis, peu nombreux, mais de bons amis, je les voyais tous les jours à l’école, et j’étais bien heureuse.

 

Et puis ce jour est arrivé, où je suis retourné à la maison, avec ce diplôme, à 21 ans.

 

Ça m’a pris 6 mois et demi avant de me trouver un emploi. Une centaine d’applications et j’ai trouvé un emploi qui est loin d’être mon travail de rêve, mais bon il paie les factures. Je me rends compte qu’une relation amoureuse pourrait me manquer dans la vie, mais c’est surtout mes amis qui me manquent. Je suis à un stade où je n’aime pas vraiment les samedis soirs.

 

Mais bon dans ces derniers mois, j’ai appris tellement de choses, c’est incroyable, je suis devenue une adulte.

 

En amitié : Je me suis rendue compte que les amis vont venir et partir. Je crois que nos personnalités changent. Je me rends compte que j’ai beaucoup moins de points en communs avec les amis que je connais depuis le secondaire. Je trouve ça dur de me retrouver avec deux ou trois amis, mais d’un autre côté, je me dis qu’il va avoir de la place pour de nouvelles rencontres et des gens qui me ressemblent vraiment.

Le monde virtuel : Je n’avais jamais exploré le monde virtuel avant cet été, moi qui voulais des expériences. Je me suis rendu compte que l’amour le virtuel est vraiment une perte de temps et irréel. Tu ne peux pas connaître une personne derrière un écran, l’autre peut flirter avec plusieurs personnes en même temps et l peut même rédiger des textes à l’avance. J’ai fait une bourde, je connais maintenant le virtuel, et je vais faire mon possible pour ne pas répéter la même erreur.

En amour : Je me crois prête à rencontrer quelqu’un pour une relation sérieuse, mais d’un côté je ne sais pas trop comment m’y prendre, où rencontrer des gens. D’un autre côté, je ne suis pas désespéré, et je cherche plus qu’une aventure d’une nuit.

Sur moi-même : J’ai réalisé qu’il est moins stressant de vivre un peu plus spontanément. J’essaie aussi d’être positive, car j’ai appris, que la vie nous apporte des hauts et des bas qu’on ne peut souvent pas contrôler. Il ne faut jamais perdre espoir et essayer de profiter de chaque journée. J’aimerais avoir une vie sociale plus active, puisque je n’en ai jamais vraiment eu. C’est vraiment un objectif pour la prochaine année, de sortir de ma coquille. J’ai compris aussi que tout le monde fait des erreurs, c’est normal, et l’essentiel, c’est de faire des efforts afin de ne pas les répéter.

Sur mes projets et mes buts : Mon but n’est plus de me marier à 25 ans. Pour l’instant, mon contrat devrait se terminer en mars. J’essaie donc de ramasser le plus d’argent possible pour subvenir à mes besoins pendant ma recherche d’emploi. Après, si j’ai la chance d’occuper un emploi permanent ; je vais commencer à mettre de l’argent de côté pour m’acheter une maison et un condo. Mon rêve est de partir de chez moi, sans avoir à aller dans un appartement. Je sais aussi que je ne veux pas habiter dans la grande ville, malgré les suggestions de mon entourage. Habiter dans la grande ville ne veux pas dire, que je vais me faire plus d’amis ou rencontrer quelqu’un plus facilement. Je visualise que la journée que je vais dormir pour la première fois dans ma maison ou mon condo, je vais me dire que tous les sacrifices du voyagement en ont valu la peine

 

 

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Mon homme idéal

28 Dec

J’ai retrouvé une vieille liste de l’homme idéal, j’ai rajouté quelques éléments et je l’ai modifié. Bien sur, je m’attends pas à ce que le gars possède toute la liste.

Attentionné (peu négociable)

Affectueux

Sens de l’humour très développé et me fait rire même dans les pires moments(critère non-négociable

Ouvert d’esprit et aime découvrir

Travaillant

Pas cheap, mais fait attention à son argent

Généreux

Plus grand que moi

Non-fumeur (non-négociable)

Prend soin de lui, mais ne compétionne pas avec moi pour avoir le miroir

Aime bien manger, aime découvrir ou il est bon cuisinier peut importe le type de cuisine (Un gars qui mange de rien, ça va être pénible)

Aime les enfants et désir en avoir dans le futur

Bon communicateur, dit les vraies choses sans crier (non-négociable)

Aimerais ou aime voyager

A un petit côté kétaine ou bébé sans exagérer

Possède des valeurs familliales

Ne boude pas

Fidèle

Honnête

Aide à faire les tâches ménagères

Aime les chiens

Tient sa parole

N’a pas un problème de drogue, d’alcool, de jeu compulsif ou autre dépendance

Résolutions 2012

28 Dec

Avoir confiance en moi

Arrêter de me rabaisser

Arrêter de me comparer avec les autres

Apprendre Excel une fois pour toute

Dire ce que je pense, tout en respectant l’opinion d’autrui

Essayer de me mettre en forme

Essayer de rencontrer de nouvelles personnes

Faire trois repas 3 services (entrée, plat principal, dessert) –Pour mon plaisir personnel

Me trouver une activité

Moins sacrer

Ne pas être en colère malgré l’attitude des autres, favoriser un ton calme lors des conflits.

Ne pas juger les autres, il y a une raison que je ne connais pas pour justifier leurs agissements.

Prend soin de moi

Sourire le plus souvent possible

Toujours rester positive

Crapeau virtuel

17 Dec

J’ai décidé d’écrire en français, car j’ai besoin de libérer ma tête. J’ai fait une bourde, une grosse. L’amour virtuel, j’étais avertie. Les gens autour de moi m’ont averti de me tenir loin, je n’ai pas écouté j’ai fait à ma tête et j’ai eu mal. 4 mois ….ouais j’en suis pas fière. Le jour de mon anniversaire, je broyais du noir. Aucuns amis, pas de travail, un conflit avec le paternel, célibataire, rien pour moi. Ça faisait plusieurs semaines que j’étais dans un état dépressif et j’y pensais…la corde, les pilules, la noyade ?  Après j’ai eu un moment de lucidité. Allez tu es plus forte que ça, c’est une mauvaise passe. Mais bon j’étais toujours déprimé, et puis le crapeau est apparu. Beaucoup plus âgé que moi, pas mon style physiquement, bref rien pour m’attirer. Ça a commencé l’ajout sur facebook mais il ne parlait pas. Je ne savais pas que l’ajout était un ‘’booty call’’, la naïve que je suis. Bref on a commencé à discuter et je me suis dit que j’allais être moi-même soit dire tout ce qui me passe par la tête et chialer si ça me tente. Normalement avec les gars que je trouve de mon goût, je surveille mes paroles et gestes, je m’arrange toujours, je veux faire bonne impression. Mais avec lui, je voulais qu’il débarrasse. Finalement, ça c’est terminé par des textos, du clavardage, la webcam, bref je me suis attaché, j’ai oublié le côté virtuel. Aussi, quand on est rendu au bout du rouleau, et puis quelqu’un apparaît, vous donne de l’attention, vous fait rire, c’est comme une bouée de sauvetage. Les contacts étaient de 7a.m jusqu’à minuit. Finalement le gars s’est tanné, et de façon très dur, il m’a carrément dit de passer à autre chose et qu’il se sentait obligé de me parler. Il m’a supprimé de facebook, de msn.  Le coup est dur, mais il en est mieux ainsi, que je sois revenu à la raison. Mais c’est dur, le temps arrange les choses, mais je m’en veux d’avoir tomber dans le panneau. Aussi puisque je n’ai eu de chum, j’ai toujours cru que j’allais rencontrer quelqu’un sur internet, maintenant je ne sais plus si je dois avoir confiance en ce moyen de rencontre. Une chose que je dois à ce crapeau, c’est d’avoir été ma bouée de sauvetage, j’ai repris confiance en la vie, qu’il a des hauts et des bas.

5 months, 2 days

23 Sep

That’s the amount of time that I have been looking for a job. I don’t know if I have strength anymore. I had my periods 2 times last month and I didn’t have them yet this month. It has never happened before.

I try to be positive but nothing happen. Sometimes I wish I just could go away one week on a desert island, be with myself and sleep.

I’m so not proud, I did nothing during the last 5 months. I could have got in shape. No instead I’m 13 pounds over what I Want to weight.

I want to go out but I don’t have a lot of money anymore and I’m using my credit card a lot.

Friends don’t want to hear about your problems, so I try to cry when I’m on the shower and then I feel a little bit better after.

I feel so lonely.

I saw my dad for the last time yesterday. I won’t see him until March, and I guess It might be a good thing. I was so mad when he told me ; come on, I don’t work and no money is coming in. I was like are you kidding me ?? You are leaving for a 6 months vacations.

Then my love life ; I’m so happy that I woke up just in time. Last time, with the other guy, people were giving me advice and I didn’t listen to them. I decided to listen this time. I still speak a little bit to mister internet love but when I say ”speak”, I mean commenting each other statut. I did discover why he was single ; he spend all his time at work. I saw our mutual friend last sunday who told me how much of a sweetheart he was, but he is married to his job. So no thanks, but If I see him at a party, I will speak to him.

So I guess, I have to wait and try to keep my mental and physical health.

 

Your damn opinion

24 Aug

All the bad attitudes that I have about myself, the way that I hate myself, the feeling that I don’t deserve a guy, the guilt of being without friends, well I didn’t come from my mouth at first.

I have heard all my life : You are too fat, your skin doesn’t look good, you didn’t pick a real career, I don’t like your style, you are a spoiled girl, you don’t have friends because you may not act nice, your teeth are straight and more more more more.

Only since friday, my supposed friend D, told me that time goes fast and that being 22 and alone, I shouldn’t be picky when I choose a boyfriend and go out with the first coming.

My supposed friend E, told me that I must act like a monkey during interviews, because I don’t get a job

My dad told me that I’m  should forget my field and find another job.

My mom told me that I should lose weight.

How lovely…………….

Right now everyone is stressing me about the job. You don’t take a contract, you don’t take a small salary, you should do this you should that, how come no one hire you blablabla. I’m looking for contract, I was ready to take a 3 weeks contract and earn 12 $ an hour. I didn’t get the job.

Everytime, I get an excuse for not having a job, they tell me  that I have a great personality but no experience.

101 questions to myself

14 Aug

I read many blogs but I really love the Personal Excellence Blog. I have recently found one post named 101 Important questions to ask yourself in life. I decided to answer the questions on my blog and maybe next year I could ask them to myself again to see if I have different answers.

  1. Who are you? I‘m 22 years old, currently in a life transition and I’m not dealing really well with it.
  2. What are you passionate about? I love to take photos and to learn new things
  3. What are the achievements you are most proud of? Having survive my high school years and graduate from university.
  4. What are you most grateful for in lifeMy family, the few friends that I have, and having the opportunity to live in this country and being able to get a college education.
  5. What are the most important things to you in life? Being happy and the persons that I love.
  6. How would you describe yourself? A negative person with a lot of ambitions.
  7. What are your values? What do you represent? What do you want to embody? My values are family, respect, courage, being honest, being kind., succeed at work.  I’m a really honest person and I can’t wait to start my career.
  8. Do you love yourself? It’s work in progress
  9. … Why or Why not? I don’t like being a negative person, and I’m not really happy with my weight. Someday I think that I’m beautiful and some days I don’t think so.
  10. How can you love yourself more today? Telling myself that I’m a good person, someday great things will happen and I am beautiful in my own way.
  11. What is your ideal self? What does it mean to be your highest self? My ideal self is confident, happy, positive, don’t complain, attentive  optimistic and don’t compare herself with other persons. To be my highest self means that I’m not longer depress and I love myself.
  12. Look at your life now. Are you living the life of your dreams? Not at all.
  13. If you have one year left to live, what would you do? Since I don’t have money, I would spend time with the persons that I love and I would appreciate to be able to take a walk and read a good book.
  14. If you have one month left to live, what would you do? Try to be positive each day.
  15. If you have one week left to live, what would you do? Wake up each morning and live the day as if it was the last day.
  16. If you have one day left to live, what would you do? Eat all that I want, hang out with my mom, and get a wonderful makeup at Lancome.
  17. If you have an hour left to live, what would you do? Tell my mom how grateful  I am for her and call my dad.
  18. If you have one minute left to live, what would you do?  Hug my mom and my dog and eat one last bite of a nice chocolate cookie.
  19. What would you do today if there is no more tomorrow? Go on a roadtrip, eat what I want and share laughs with the persons that I love.
  20. What are the biggest things you’ve learned in life to date? You won’t all get what you want.
  21. What advice would you give to yourself 3 years ago? Enjoy everyday at the university.
  22. If you are yourself 1 year from the future, how would you advise the you now? Be happy without a job and money so when you will get it, you will appreciate everything.
  23. Is there something you’re still holding on to? Is it time to let it got ? Forgive the one who did hurt me
  24. What are you busy with today? Will this matter 1 year from now? 3 years? 5 years? I’m not busy today
  25. What are your Quadrant 2 tasks? Starting my careers and meet new people.
  26. What opportunities are you looking for? Get a job in my fied and meet new friends, maybe find love.
  27. How can you create these opportunities? Don’t give up and keep looking for a job, maybe find an activity where I could meet new people.
  28. What are your biggest goals and dreams? Get a job where I can help to improve the life at work of my employee, I want to learn a lot of  things and be an expert, I want to get married and build the family life that I never had.
  29. What’s stopping you from pursuing them? …Why? How can you overcome them? I don’t have a job  yet and I’m always scare to fail.
  30. If you are to do something for free for the rest of your life, what would you want to do? Help the kids in my community who are in needs
  31. What would you do if you cannot fail; if there are no limitations in money, resources, time or networks? Be fluent in 5 language, be a manager at my workplace and open a bakery just for fun as an entrepreneur and not as a cook. I would like to run the bakery.
  32. What do you want to achieve in 1 year from now? Get the job that I want and be happy.
  33. … 3 years? I want to still have a good job, maybe visit Europe and hopefully be in a relationship.
  34. … 5 years? hopefully I will live in my own place.
  35. … 10 years? I hope to be married, succesful at work and have a baby.
  36. How important are these goals to you? Family is my main value and I would like to be succesful at my job which will be my second home.
  37. What if these goals are doubled? Tripled? Magnified by 10? How would you feel? Would you prefer to achieve these or your previous goals? If I reach all theses goals I will tell myself that I deserve it after all the hard work and I will enjoy every minute of them.
  38. Who are the people who have achieved similar goals? … What can you learn from them? I haven’t met a model with a great family life but I love Oprah and Michelle Obama, 2 succesful career woman.
  39. Are you putting any parts of your life on hold? My happiness
  40. … Why? Because I worry a lot
  41. What’s the top priority in your life right now? Getting a job
  42. What are you doing about it? Looking and looking day after day
  43. If you were to die tomorrow, what would be your biggest regret? Not have enjoyed enough of my life.
  44. For every experience you get: What are the biggest things you have learned? You can’t control everything
  45. How can you do this better the next time? Find something positive in everything even if it’s just a small thing.
  46. If you have 1 million dollars, what would you do with it?  Pay my debt, pay my mom house, give some money to my dad, buy a house on my own, then save it in the bank.
  47. Do you love your job? Don’t have a job
  48. What is your ideal career? A job where I can improve things in my workplace and use the power of the company to help my community.
  49. How can you start creating your ideal career starting today? Reading books about my career and study the english grammar to be perfectly bilingual.
  50. What is your ideal home like? Where you will find comfort
  51. What do you need to do to achieve your ideal home? Get money to buy one
  52. What is your ideal physical look? A clean skin, straight teeth and weight 110 lbs.
  53. What do you need to do to achieve your ideal physical look? exercise and eat more healthy food.
  54. What is your ideal life? Being happy, have a nice job, enough money, not too rich and a beautiful family on my own.
  55. What can you do to start living your ideal life? Try to be happy with myself
  56. What do you fear most in life? To always be unhappy
  57. Is there anything you are running away from? no
  58. Are you settling for less than you are worth? Right now yes
  59. … Why? Some persons close to me tell me to forget about my dreams of going to Europe, that I’m being a spoil brat while dreaming of designer clothes and 5 stars hotel. I should get a job whatsoever just to pay the bills.
  60. What is your inner dialoguelike? It’s a constant fight between ; my life suck and I suck too and everything will be alright, you are a cute girl and some great things will happen.
  61. What limiting beliefs are you holding on to? That I’m not good enough to get a job or a boyfriend since I never had one.
  62. Are they helping you achieve your goals? NO
  63. If not, is it time to let them go? maybe.
  64. What empowering beliefs can you take on to help you achieve your goals? I’m beautiful and smart and I deserve to succeed
  65. What bad habits do you want to break? Complaining, cutting other persons when they speak, being negative.
  66. What good habitsdo you want to cultivate? Being positive, happy and become a great listener.
  67. What’s the biggest step you can take now that will create the biggest result? Being positive and be grateful for what I have. I have the energy to wake up each morning and do what I want. 3 weeks ago, I was really sick, big migraines and I couldn’t walk, I was scare. Now I can do what I want.
  68. What would you want to say to yourself 1 year in the future? Appreciate everything and be happy
  69. … 3 years? If you have everything that you wished for, be grateful everyday.
  70. … 5 years? I hope you love your job and your life because you worked really hard to succeed.
  71. … 10 years? Be grateful to be alive and healthy, you are now 32.
  72. Where are you living right now – the past, future or present?  The present and the future.
  73. Are you living your life to the fullest right now? Not at all
  74. What is the meaning of life? Be grateful to be alive everyday because you don’t know where you will be tomorrow.
  75. What is your purpose in life? Why do you exist? What is your mission? I’m still trying to figure it out, I will write about it in a future post.
  76. How can you make your life even more meaningful starting today? Enjoy the now.
  77. What drives you? Seeing what tomorrow will bring
  78. What are the times you are most inspired, most motivated, most charged up? When I go to a job interview, when I listen to an inspiring song or movie, when I read a great quote. When I graduated, I was happy.
  79. What did you do during those times? How can you do more of that starting today?  I can start to learn more.
  80. How can you change someone’s life for the better today? Say thank you and smile.
  81. Who are the 5 people you spend the most time with? Mom, KD,
  82. Are these people enabling you or holding you back? helping me
  83. What qualities do you want to embody? (Refer to Q5: Values and Q10: Ideal Self) Where can you meet people who embody these qualities?  Positivity, creativity, generosity. I can meet them at a club where we practice a hobby, make online friends who can become real friends.
  84. Who inspire you the most? Oprah, Michelle Obama, people who started with nothing and did succeed.
  85. How can you be like them? Work hard and tell myself that I can do it and I will get what I want.
  86. What is your ideal life partner like? funny, hard-working, communicative, want a family, love to discover, honest.
  87. Where can you find him/her? don’t know
  88. How can you get to know him/her? don’t know
  89. Are you afraid of letting others get close to you? Yes
  90. … Why? I’m scare to be hurt
  91. Who are the most important people in the world to you? My friends and family
  92. Are you giving them the attention you want to give? I think
  93. How can you spend more time with them starting today? At least call them.
  94. What kind of person do you enjoy spending time around? A person who love to laugh, is honest and do not judge the others.
  95. How can you be this person to others? I can start by not being afraid to say the truth
  96. Who do you want to be like in 1 year? a happy confident person.  
  97. … 3 years?a happy confident person.  
  98. … 5 years?a happy confident person.  
  99. … 10 years?a happy confident person.  
  100. Who are your mentors in life? (formal or informal) My mom and some friends, some coworkers that I met in the past.
  101. What is one thing you’re going to do differently after reading this article? Try to be more positive and telling myself that when I’m scare of something, to go find help and learn the ways to be the best.