Tag Archives: hope

If you are going through hell, keep going

14 Aug

That’s a Churchill Quote that is probably saving me..

The last time I wrote here, I said that I would get through this and there was something worst but that’s just really hard. So I decided to write everything that make me sad or mad.

My Dad : He is so living in another world, he don’t give me anything and he wants to control me. He is calling me 4 times a day to ask me if I have a job. He wants me to hang out with his girlfriend and keep saying that he is not happy that I’m having debts since I have no school debts. He said that he wants me to get a job before he leaves because he will feel bad if he goes on vacations and I’m here left without a job. 

Job : I don’t have a job and I’m tired of staying at home. I’m looking everywhere and making a hundred of calls. I’m just tired of people telling me to get a job in another field and move on. I studied in human resources. Isn’t normal that I want to work in the field ?

My dog : He ate a bone a month ago and everything was fine. Then on august 1st he started to have diarrhea. I just hope he will be okay, we tried 2 different pills, a new food. I have spent 160 $ and I hope he will get better so we don’t have to operate him. I don’t have a lot of money, and I’m worried to see him like that.

Money : Well money is my main concern. I’m trying really hard to get a job on weekends so I can have money to survive but no one is calling. I applied at groceries store and at various places at the mall. I’m have now a loan of 5000 $ and I hope that I won’t have to use it all. It’s the first time that I’m really poor and that money is only used to pay my food, my transportation and my basic stuff. My mom is doing what she can, she don’t earn a lot and I can’t blame her. She was a housewife like many ladies in the world. When my father left she couldn’t get a really high paying job. Her salary is enough to pay her car, food and house. Shes does my lunch and she come to pick me up at the train station so I don’t have to pay a bus ticket. She let me take her car without paying gas. I have to pay 260 $ each 2 weeks to pay my food, my car insurance, my dog food, and all the cable-cellphone and internet that I use. My dad was giving me this money before. Tv is my only distraction and I need internet to get a job, so I won’t cut it soon. It’s the first time in my life that I’m in debt and it’s hard to not use money to buy stuff that I like or just to go out. A lot of people tell me ; who cares that you don’t have a job, your mom is there to help you. I just answer yes since I don’t want to tell my whole story.  5000 $ is not a lot, but for me it is when I never had debts in my life. I thought that I had been through enough hard things in the last 21 years that It was the time for better things. I wasn’t meant to be.

But I have my health, well partially since I have been dealing with some health issues in the last week but still I’m overall healthy and tomorrow might be a better day. I’m happy to be living in Canada and not in Somalia. I have a bedroom and a computer and I’m not homeless.

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Being a negative person

21 Jul

If I can make a recap of my 21 years of life, I can say that there was a lot of good moments but a lot of bad moments. People who don’t know me  say that I’m a social person and I smile a lot. I have to say that inside of my body, I have been screaming since I was 12. Almost 10 years ago.

First day that I was born, shit happened, physical hemiplegia which mean, physical therapy, surgery and more. Worst of it, the kids would always make fun of me. I was always the last to be pick in a team during the gym class. I remember that in elementary and high school, I would ask the teacher for the bathroom or water. I would go away from the class, cry a little bit, put water in my face and come back. They were just kids, but today I still hate sports. Boys can be really mean and going away because of my disability.

Then when I was 12 years old, I started my high school in a brand new city, it would be 4 years of hell. Kids would make fun of me for no reason, throwing stuff at me, taking my stuff and ruin it. Making fun that I would wear boots instead of shoes during the winter. I had 1 real friend.  Then when I was 14 years old, my dad left us. That’s where shit really happened for me. He started to scream at me for no reason, making me cry if I didn’t talk to his girlfriend on the phone, getting mad if I disagree with him. I was scare of my dad, today he still does scream, but we barely have a relationship and we don’t have a lot of discussion.

When I think about my teenage years, the only thing that I regret is that maybe I could have more friends, that’s it.

My college years weren’t easy and still today I’m struggling while looking for a job. During theses last 10 years, I went to bed a lot of time hoping that I wouldn’t wake up the next morning. I wasn’t afraid of death at all.  Since last year, I go to bed always saying to myself  that tomorrow will be better and no longer I wish to not wake up. The reason is that I was getting so close to my dream of being a college graduate, and then I could get my dream job, money, everything that I wanted. Everytime that I wanted to drop out, I told myself that I would have a nice job that I like.

Then 3 months ago, college was finally over for me and I started to look for a job. I have to say I cried a lot because It’s not easy I as thought and It make me kinda depress. I worked so hard and being a post-grad is not a fairytale. Last week, 2 things might have save my future and save my life. First I was checking the Oprah website and I found a story about a guy who had it all : beauty, college, friends, and doing all kind of sports. He got in a horrible car accident who left him on a wheelchair and his mom have to take care of him, he is 28 years old. But still, he wakes up everyday and give motivational speech with his mom and she even wrote a book. Instead of waiting to died, he did choose to have a second life.  Then I read this post ”Confession of a Pessimist”, which really did open my mind.  This really got me ;

Am I happy the way I’m living? If I’m not happy, do I want to be? If so, then what needs to change? Am I choosing to stay in this cycle of depression because I feel it is a way of punishing myself for my wrong choices. […] I had to make a conscious decision in that moment to change my way of thinking and to begin again. And the most important thing I had to do in order for that to happen was to make peace with myself, my mistakes and with others. I had to change the way I viewed the past decade of my life and start looking at all it had taught me – not what I had done wrong.”

I cried when I read it because it made me think about all the bad stuff that happened and the negativity in my life. But I have to start move on or I never will. I have to forget about the kids making fun of me. If some people don’t want to talk to me, it’s their lost. I have to be smart and have discussion with my dad who will make both of us happy. I have to forgive all the mistakes that I did, all the time that I acted desperate for a boy or when I said something stupid or mean. I have to use the last 10 years to learn something and grow. Maybe I won’t have a job in the next weeks and I will have to get a loan and use my credit cards. But even if I cry, I make a lot of efforts and there is nothing that I can do about it. I will just appreciate more my job and the money. I did begin my new journey on July 20 because I love this number. I woke up being happy to breathe, to have the ac, a computer with internet so I can check the jobs, a mom and a dog.

Sure It will be hard to begin again, since you can’t become self-confident in one day, but I think that this time It will be for good. 10 years is enough. Yes I will be mad or be sad, but tomorrow will be another day and I’m fortunate for the good things that I have in my life, even if some of them aren’t good.

The Joy of being a post-grad or how I was so naive

5 Jun

When I was depress and wanted to leave that college, I thought hey you are so gonna get a nice job in your field. All that money to waste or to save for something big. Weekends will be free, you can enjoy every moment without having to study. When I was at my shitty internship aka worst months of my life to this date, I was telling myself that I would graduate soon.

And then in March, I started to check for the job. It was never in my mind that I would be a senior manager earning 50 K in the first year. But It was in my mind that I could earn 37 K  working in the department as a junior. I mean I own a bachelor degree, 27 courses, an intership, I deserve a nice job no ? I didn’t graduate in dance.  I was so naive.

I’m now the expert in looking for jobs. LinkedIn, Monster, Workkopolis and more. Go directly to the company’s site. Sending and Sending resumes and cover letters. In one months, I did apply for 40 positions. I never thought I would be so depress after 5 years of post high school’s  hard work. It should the happiest time ever. 21 years old, college degree, freedom.

What I learned is that nobody want to  hire someone who doesn’t have experience. Its normal, but can I get a damn chance ? I’m so tired of being annoyed by some relatives who tell me to go work at the grocery store. I might have to end up as a secretary and I will never be happy about it and I will never pretend to be happy to go work. I did study to get a job that I like, but its not happening and I’m freaking out. If I don’t have a job by august 4th, I will have to go to the bank and ask for a loan. All the sacrifices that I made are going to the trash and It suck. I won’t have a financial support anymore and my mom is doing everything she can to help me but she can’t do it all.

Every morning when I wake up, I tell myself ; Today, something great will happen, someone will give you a chance. Its the same sentence since May 1st but tomorrow might be the right day.

37 thoughts that lead to reflection

31 Jan

Let’s have a positive post to end january 2010

Here are thoughts that I received in an email. They are originally written in french and sadly I didn’t write them but I would like to share them with my readers. I might write some of them in my notebook.

1-Do not deprive anyone of hope this may be the only thing that anyone has.

2-Don’t take any decisions when you are mad

3-Monitor your physical posture

4-Do not pay for work before it is completed

5-Beware of the one who have nothing to lose   

6-Don’t hope life to be fair

 7-Do not fear losing a battle if it leads you to win the war

8-Do not leave things unresolved. Do what needs to be done just as it should be done

9-Don’t be scare to say ‘’I don’t know’’ and ‘’I regret’’

 10-Watch the sunrise at least once a year

11-Look people in the eye
12-Say “Please” and “thank you” often
13-Spend less than you earn Continue reading

An Inspiration

8 Dec

Michelle Obama is one of my inspiration,

because I love the way she dresses herself,

she was a few years ago a working mother

she talks about hard work, and dedication.

she is caring about the other people and she is grounded.

she says, that it doesn’t matter what other people think about

you, what matters is where you are and where you wants to be

How to Win Friends and Influence People

12 Aug

This is probably a book that everyone should own,

It was written in 1936 and it’s the grand father of the self help books

First the book is about how to handle people

you shoudn’t complain ,criticize or condemn, them

you should always give a sincere appreciation and arouse  in Continue reading

Just as you are

15 Jun

BJ03

Mark Darcy: I don’t think you’re an idiot at all. I mean, there are elements

of the ridiculous about you. Your mother’s pretty interesting. And

 you really are an appallingly bad public speaker. And,

um, you tend to let whatever’s in your head come out

of your mouth without much consideration of the consequences…

But the thing is, um, what I’m trying to say, very inarticulately,

is that, um, in fact, perhaps despite appearances,

I like you, very much. Just as you are. -From the Bridget Jones Diary- Continue reading