Tag Archives: sadness

If you are going through hell, keep going

14 Aug

That’s a Churchill Quote that is probably saving me..

The last time I wrote here, I said that I would get through this and there was something worst but that’s just really hard. So I decided to write everything that make me sad or mad.

My Dad : He is so living in another world, he don’t give me anything and he wants to control me. He is calling me 4 times a day to ask me if I have a job. He wants me to hang out with his girlfriend and keep saying that he is not happy that I’m having debts since I have no school debts. He said that he wants me to get a job before he leaves because he will feel bad if he goes on vacations and I’m here left without a job. 

Job : I don’t have a job and I’m tired of staying at home. I’m looking everywhere and making a hundred of calls. I’m just tired of people telling me to get a job in another field and move on. I studied in human resources. Isn’t normal that I want to work in the field ?

My dog : He ate a bone a month ago and everything was fine. Then on august 1st he started to have diarrhea. I just hope he will be okay, we tried 2 different pills, a new food. I have spent 160 $ and I hope he will get better so we don’t have to operate him. I don’t have a lot of money, and I’m worried to see him like that.

Money : Well money is my main concern. I’m trying really hard to get a job on weekends so I can have money to survive but no one is calling. I applied at groceries store and at various places at the mall. I’m have now a loan of 5000 $ and I hope that I won’t have to use it all. It’s the first time that I’m really poor and that money is only used to pay my food, my transportation and my basic stuff. My mom is doing what she can, she don’t earn a lot and I can’t blame her. She was a housewife like many ladies in the world. When my father left she couldn’t get a really high paying job. Her salary is enough to pay her car, food and house. Shes does my lunch and she come to pick me up at the train station so I don’t have to pay a bus ticket. She let me take her car without paying gas. I have to pay 260 $ each 2 weeks to pay my food, my car insurance, my dog food, and all the cable-cellphone and internet that I use. My dad was giving me this money before. Tv is my only distraction and I need internet to get a job, so I won’t cut it soon. It’s the first time in my life that I’m in debt and it’s hard to not use money to buy stuff that I like or just to go out. A lot of people tell me ; who cares that you don’t have a job, your mom is there to help you. I just answer yes since I don’t want to tell my whole story.  5000 $ is not a lot, but for me it is when I never had debts in my life. I thought that I had been through enough hard things in the last 21 years that It was the time for better things. I wasn’t meant to be.

But I have my health, well partially since I have been dealing with some health issues in the last week but still I’m overall healthy and tomorrow might be a better day. I’m happy to be living in Canada and not in Somalia. I have a bedroom and a computer and I’m not homeless.

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A dark call

20 Jun

Last Monday, I was suppose to spend a day with my dad alone and have fun since I have see him 3 times since the start the of the year. Some will say that they haven’t see there dad in years. Well  it wasn’t the way I was raised. Before I was fourteen, I was really spoiled, my dad spent more time with me and even the years after, he did spend some quality times with me. But it was hard to learn to pay for everything, my clothes, my kotex, all my stuff, since I never paid for it.

Well back to last monday, the day I was so excited about, my dad called me around 10 a.m.

He said, look I can go see you but really quick, because It suck for my gf to be left alone. (He started to date her in sept 2010)

It was the day we were suppose to spend together.

So I said with a calm nice voice : look you can call me another time when you will be able to spend time with me. And then he started….

You are so selfish, you are causing pain to a person that I love ( I saw the women 2 hours in all my life) She said why you daughter don’t like me. I said : I want to spend time with her, I’m happy that she is in your life (I really mean it, I don’t care if my dad has a gf he has to move on in his life.) but I would like to spend time with you alone too. I don’t ask for a week, just for a few hours.

My dad : I would never leave her one week to be with you. If I have to choose between you and her, I will pick my girlfriend for sure. Do you know how does it feel to be hurt, you hurt me and you hurt her. If you don’t stop now, you won’t see me today, not tomorrow, not for a while.  He told me that I needed help the way that i was behaving (I was crying) and I needed to see a psychologist as soon as possible.

After the call, I crying so much, I never wanted to see him again, I was so sad, I wanted to move really far so I wouldn’t have to see him ever again.

At 1 p.m, he came to my house with his gf, and we went to the restaurant, then shopping. He was kissing her, laughing with his girlfriend and asking me to take pictures of them. He never talked about what happened in the morning. He asked me if I was having a good time and if I was happy about my day. I barely answered.

Today, nearly one week later, I’m still hurt, even if my dad think we are good. I know from now on that If I want to see him, his gf will have to come. I will be hurt forever to think about what he said to me. I will never forget it and for the rest of my life I will have doubt about my dad love for me and the way he looks at me. Yeah he sure love me but not in the way that I thought.

The Joy of being a post-grad or how I was so naive

5 Jun

When I was depress and wanted to leave that college, I thought hey you are so gonna get a nice job in your field. All that money to waste or to save for something big. Weekends will be free, you can enjoy every moment without having to study. When I was at my shitty internship aka worst months of my life to this date, I was telling myself that I would graduate soon.

And then in March, I started to check for the job. It was never in my mind that I would be a senior manager earning 50 K in the first year. But It was in my mind that I could earn 37 K  working in the department as a junior. I mean I own a bachelor degree, 27 courses, an intership, I deserve a nice job no ? I didn’t graduate in dance.  I was so naive.

I’m now the expert in looking for jobs. LinkedIn, Monster, Workkopolis and more. Go directly to the company’s site. Sending and Sending resumes and cover letters. In one months, I did apply for 40 positions. I never thought I would be so depress after 5 years of post high school’s  hard work. It should the happiest time ever. 21 years old, college degree, freedom.

What I learned is that nobody want to  hire someone who doesn’t have experience. Its normal, but can I get a damn chance ? I’m so tired of being annoyed by some relatives who tell me to go work at the grocery store. I might have to end up as a secretary and I will never be happy about it and I will never pretend to be happy to go work. I did study to get a job that I like, but its not happening and I’m freaking out. If I don’t have a job by august 4th, I will have to go to the bank and ask for a loan. All the sacrifices that I made are going to the trash and It suck. I won’t have a financial support anymore and my mom is doing everything she can to help me but she can’t do it all.

Every morning when I wake up, I tell myself ; Today, something great will happen, someone will give you a chance. Its the same sentence since May 1st but tomorrow might be the right day.